Finding calm in the storm

I came back to the US in January for the Chinese New Year holiday. After a long time of being away I was excited to see all of my friends and family. After living in Jaipur and Shanghai I was definitely ready to immerse myself in nature, even if it was a cold and rainy time of year. Little did I know that nearly 3 months later I would still be here. Although Portland feels like home and I was feeling ready to move back this summer this new reality is one laced with anxiety. The unanswered questions swirl in my head leaving me with an intermittent heaviness in my chest and a clenched jaw at sunrise. 

The anxiety began when my first flight home to Shanghai was cancelled in January. In the weeks that followed I thought for certain things would die down. Like most of you, I never saw this global pandemic coming. In my perpetual optimism (for better or worse) I figured everything would be fine in a couple of months. So I waited it out a bit and bought another ticket back to Shanghai for early April. Then the world shut down and for fear of another wave of infection China closed its doors to foreign nationals (for the time being). A wave of anxiety overtook me when I was notified that I would not be able to go back. Tears filled my eyes, my head buzzed and it felt as though the weight of an elephant was pressing on my chest. What about my job? What about my apartment? What about my life there and the plans I had for when I planned to return?

Like so many of you, the uncertainty was overwhelming. Like so many of you, I am not sure how this global situation will effect my life in the near future and in the long term. Like so many of you my fears for my own personal situation are interlaced with my fears for the world and those who are ill equipped to deal with this pandemic that touches each of our lives. 

I am well aware that I am blessed in many ways. I am grateful to have a dear friend who has opened her home to me. I am grateful for the many people I have in my life to lean on.  I am grateful to be healthy and strong. I am grateful that for the time being I still have a job. I am grateful that my loved ones are also staying well. These and the little daily reminders of gratitude do help assuage the anxiety that inevitably bubbles to the surface from time to time.

The most effective way I have found to keep myself in the present and return to a lighter state of existence is to stay present. It is not lost on me that this state of mindfulness is one that we should all work toward as a constant state of being. The work is simply more poignant at this time. This gap of uncertainty I find myself swimming in can only be navigated by focusing on the aspects of my life that I am able to control. Allowing myself to drown in this state of worry means I need to re-direct. To plant my feet on solid ground takes concerted effort. 

What can I control? Well the first thing I can control is my daily schedule. As I'm sure is the case for many of you, I find that I feel better when I get up earlier and get started with my day. Laying in bed reading the news is not conducive to mindful living. Starting my day with meditation is a much better choice. This is a tough one for me but this week I implemented a new schedule that includes morning meditation. It's another one of those things that I know brings me peace but I have a hard time sticking with. Well, what better time time start? Who's with me?

I also feel better when I get plenty of exercise. I am lucky enough to have Forest Park at my doorstep and running those trails encased in greenery has been very therapeutic. I particularly love days my roomie and I can power up those hills together. I am a strong believer in utilizing the strength of the body to cultivate strength in all aspects of our lives. These challenges we are all facing require strength and tenacity to navigate.  Running hills is certainly great training ground for strength and tenacity.

Another component of life I can control is growing my businesses and continuing to make plans for my future business endeavor. This helps keep me grounded in the present. Even though professional development does involve having one eye on the future I have found that taking daily and specific action keeps me grounded and empowered. I am not quite where I want to be on this front but it's a work in progress.

How I choose to nourish my body is another aspect of life I can control. I have a long history of emotional eating but I am happy to say that most days I am able to avoid this unhealthy pattern and make good choices when I'm at the grocery store. It does help living with someone who also makes healthy eating a priority. Cooking healthy meals together also helps. Do you live alone? Drop me an email and lets schedule a time for a virtual dinner party.

I still don't know what my future holds. When I allow the unanswered questions to dominate my inner dialogue, that' s when I fall off track. Focusing on the things I can control brings me back. Like so many of you, I am learning as I go. When this situation passes, as it surely will, I hope to come through to the other side a more mindful and tenacious individual. As the world pauses together I am hopeful that this energetic shift results in a collective shift toward mindfulness. We are navigating this separately yet as one world. Can we retain this conscious duality when the world goes back into motion? Can we all be more mindful of how we spend our time; how we nourish our bodies and minds? Can we all be more mindful of how our actions effect the world around us? Can we all be more mindful of each other's experience? I sure as hell hope so. 

I would love to hear about how you are navigating this difficult time. Let's share our collective experience, as a community.