The sweetness of coming home...

After 16 months living abroad I decided it was time for a visit home. So much had happened since I boarded the plane bound for Jaipur September 11, 2018. Such is the nature of life, there were ups and there were downs. There were victories and there were failures. I said some hard goodbyes, made many new friends and learned some valuable lessons along the way. My time living in India and then China has taught me more about who I am than I ever imagined these experiences would.  I learned the importance of allowing myself to be vulnerable. I was encouraged to believe that asking for help is not weakness. I found peace in what had felt like isolation. I found tenderness for myself that I didn’t realize the degree to which I needed it. Not only that, but the opportunity to live and work in India was a long time dream come true and reinforced my belief in the power of manifestation.

I started my homecoming in Portland, a place that had been home for 8 years. It felt great to be back and once again surrounded by my amazing tribe of friends and the forest I had missed so much. In spite of the rain and chilly temperatures I got myself into the woods a few times to absorb grounding energy in a place I feel true connection. It felt good to be home and I truly felt like Portland is where I belong. Recently my brother called my a rolling stone. We laughed about this but he is right. I have done my share of wandering and rolling along and I am deeply grateful for the opportunity to have seen so many amazing places and experience what it’s like to live abroad. The experiences I have had living in Ireland, Japan, India and China have been invaluable and have undoubtedly shaped the woman I am today. Yet there was a certain peace in feeling truly at home. I will never stop wandering the earth, but I know the home base I will always come back to. Exploring new places will always bring me great joy and bring me back to myself. Yet I don't think I need to navigate the minutiae of living in another country again. It teaches grit and perseverance but well, some stuff is just easier to deal with at home. I guess the bureaucracy you know well is better than the that which you don’t. 

After some time in Portland I returned to Wisconsin to visit friends and family. The homecoming was just as sweet but in a different way. I grew up in a small town not far from Milwaukee and going back there is always nostalgic but more like a distant life. I had a wonderful time reminiscing with old friends, a few I hadn’t seen in 25 years. I’m sure many of you can relate but its funny how so much time has passed but it somehow seems like so little. We laughed, we danced and we acted like the teenagers we once knew each other as. 

The more poignant part of my visit to Wisconsin was my time in Milwaukee. I spent 7 years living in Milwaukee before relocating to Portland in 2010. It was as cold as I remember and I can definitely say I did not miss the dirty, gray February snowbanks. In spite of the cold I did manage  a few runs by the lakefront. Although I had to push through some wind the cold wind on my cheeks and the sun bouncing off the ice cold winter blue of Lake Michigan was invigorating.  As I drove around the city taking it all in I noticed a lot of changes; yet a lot has remained the same. The deli around the corner from my old apartment is still there but its remodeled and (somewhat) modernized. The old German bar I once frequented, the Greek cafe and the late night diner (to name a few) all stood as they always had since decades before my time there. Yet as one would expect, there was also some change. I sensed a more vibrant energy in Milwaukee, a city that is perhaps on the rise. I saw some face lifts to areas that were once dilapidated. I enjoyed observing the blend of old and new that I saw all around me. What I was observing on the outside wasn’t so unlike what I was observing on the inside. There are certain parts of me that will always be there. I don't think my sensitivity will fade and the ease at which I cry will probably always be a part of me. I am very active and love being connected to nature. This will never change. I laugh easily, smile often and hold a select few close to my heart. These too are foundations of who I am. Yet there is also evolution and growth. We all experience this, more strongly at certain times than others. I truly feel that I am in a place of significant change. Some aspects of me with remain unchanged but I am embracing the destruction that comes with growth, well most of the time anyway. 

I am back in Portland and unsure when I can get back to my life in China and uncertain what I will face when I return. This is unsettling at times and I crave some grounding. I am finding that through growing my Arbonne business, allowing myself to dream big about what’s next and committing to daily habits of self care. In the Hindu tradition Kali is the goddess of death and is often depicted as a fierce warrior. She represents darkness that has the power to destroy but also to create. Lakshmi is the goddess of abundance and beauty. A dear friend reminded me that this is a time to let Kali in for she will make room for Lakshmi. For me, this means letting go of patterns that no longer serve me and surrendering to that which is beyond my control. Only then can I continue to make space for this ongoing journey of growth.  

For now, this rolling stone will continue to roll with the changing tide. I know where I want the tide of life to take me and I commit to continuing to dream big, live fiercely and embrace the love that surrounds me.